One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”