i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Yes
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…