My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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