You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
me: my friends:
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***