pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
You Might Also Like
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Liquor Store Parking
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.