My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that鈥檚 the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn鈥檛 home.
Me: Nevermind.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn鈥檛 have teats so they sweat milk
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.