A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
AM I BEING GASLIT????