legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
peeping toms
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses