If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…