My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
New comic up. “Ransom”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice