Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
A woman drives into a bar.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie