That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I have obtained a hat
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!