Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
road rage
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Put this video in the Louvre
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?