All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”