To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head