“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.