DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
HERE’S MARKY
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer