They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.