[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me trying to look natural in photos
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Worth remembering.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.