“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
You Might Also Like
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in