going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Thrilling chase underway
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.