Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Goodnight 🐶
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it