St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?