[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
You Might Also Like
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar