I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
You Might Also Like
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.