KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???