Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Worst Native American name ever.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]