The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes