If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
screw you
The only equipped I am is ill.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza