My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*ernest hemingway voice*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
This is Sparta
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.