Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
North and South
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.