At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.