the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.