Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock