If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.