Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.