“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me