If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold