People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
This kid is a star!
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.