Practicing safe sax
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Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️