Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no