If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
🤣🤣💀
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already