Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.