My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
You Might Also Like
The first one, obviously
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh