I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Happy Friday
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.