I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
my fav colour is also hitler
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”