Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND