That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective