*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”