this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
WWE is French for “yes”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.